True Life: I'm A Mary Sue
by Fiji Mermaid
Summary: What really happens when people start putting themselves into stories. A mish-mash of my favorite fandom characters from HP, KA, LoTR and PotC. With: Camp Happy Clappy and a monumental-- emphasis on the mental-- journey story to end all journey stories.
1. The Beginning

True Life: I'm A Mary Sue

By Fiji Mermaid

Disclaimer: Sally and Ribena are the only things owned by ME. I also own the MSP-the Mary Sue Police. Dun dun dunnnn. This is a new chapter. I have no idea what happened to my original. Flipping The Beginning

Sally was sitting at her computer, trying to write an essay on the political movement to end oppression of the people's of Turhirkmasiktan, or something like that. And was Sally diligently working away at her essay like the good little student she wasn't? No, she was reading fanfiction and writing nasty reviews of every Mary-Sue she could find in the King Arthur arena.

"Oh my lord, is she serious? How many times can you swear in one sentence? She's so going to get it from me."

Sally tippity tapped away at her computer as the sun set outside her window.

"Honestly, why does everyone think that they'd just join in on battles and start making out with the knights? I'd totally need to change my pants and get some Xanax if I just fell out of the sky and landed in olden times. Gawd, friggin idiots."

Sally eventually finished her tirade and turned her computer off so she could get some sleep. She twirled around in her desk chair to get up and change when her computer beeped.

"What the? I just turned you off, stupid."

Sally pressed the "off" button on her computer and felt a peculiar sucking sensation at her feet.

"Hey, that tickles. Are there mice in this flat?"

Sally bent under her desk to see what was there and saw a flash of blinding light. She traveled through space and time, feeling much like Alice in Wonderland. She landed on a grassy knoll with a thump.

"ugh, nothing like lanfding in a huge pile of irony to put you in a bad mood," she grumbled.

Sally dusted herself off and checked for broken bones before decieding to wander off in a random direction to look for signs of civilization.

"it doesn't look like I've landed in Jurassic times so I don't think I have to worry about dinosaurs eating me. But I really have no idea where I am."

Sally trudged along and finally came to a river. She knelt down to get a drink and gasped.

"Someone's following me…" she trailed off.

Sally looked around her, trying to find the red-haired girl that was reflected in the river.

"I guess I'm just seeing things."

Sally turned back to the river and the full force of her predicament hit her.

"Oh no, why have my boobs suddenly grown to epic proportions and why is my hair redder than Lindsey Lohan's? I'm, I'm a M Mary-Sue." Sally screeched the last sentence and ended with a howl that made birds fly out of the trees and deer freeze where they were standing.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"


	2. Enter Ribena

Sally the Mary Sue

By Fiji Mermaid

Disclaimer: Sally and Ribena belong to me as do the MSP who will show up in later chapters. Ribena is based on my friend Rachel, an MS if ever there was one, so forgive me if I write 'Rachel' instead of 'Ribena'. See if you can spot what's Mary-Sue about this chapter. Prizes for the winners!

Chapter 2: Enter Ribena

"Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred."

Ribena Lake set down her hairbrush with a satisfied smile.

"My hair is going to be so smooth and shiny, just like my beautiful car," she said to herself in the mirror.

Ribena put on her Abercrombie and Fitch pajama bottoms along with her burgundy tank top that had light blue lacing around the edges. She snuggled up under her puffy blue and yellow down comforter and shit off her light from the Pottery barn teen catalogue. She quickly switched it on again.

"Whoops, almost forgot to give Gawain a kiss goodnight," she giggled.

Ribena jumped out of bed and ran over her to her wall size picture of Gawain, tripping over her new Puma's in the process. She fell, hitting her head on the pile of nursing books that lay on the floor, rendering her self unconscious.

When she awoke, Ribena was not on her blue and green carpet from Urban Outfitter's but rather in a damp, musty dungeon cell.

"Oh holy mother of god. Where am I? Why am I still in my pajamas? Did I remember to turn off my straightening irons? Shit, did I feed the cat? Wait, this is not a normal reaction to suddenly appearing in a different world. What's wrong with me?"

Ribena picked the lock on her cell door and scampered up and out the steps leading up.

She breathed in the free air and pushed her raven hair out of herwait.

"Since when did I have hair the color of mahogany?" she asked herself out loud. Ribena looked down at the rest of her body.

"Oh god, my nails are in a perfect French manicure and my breasts would put Jessica Simpson to shame. This can't be good. I'm really not known for my voluptuous assets. As long as my eyes aren't sparkling green."

Ribena whirled around and saw a well nearby.

"Well, well, well, they are a perfect shade of sparkling emerald green," Ribena groaned.

Unfortunately, her shriek of horror at discovering she was now "the most beautiful girl in the King Arthur fandom", attracted some attention from some men who were making a ruckus near the dungeon door.

"Who are you, maiden? Speak quickly or your life shall be forfeit," a man with a horsetail in his hat demanded.

"I am Ribena. I come in peace." Ribena held out her hands in the Star Trek configuration, hoping to staunch any murderous feelings that may have been left over from the battle.

'And I am Arthur, King of the Britons. What are you doing here?" Arthur, King of the Britons asked.

"Well, I, uh, you see. Well, I forgot to kiss my Gawain poster goodnight and then, so I got up and tripped over my shoes and hit my head on some books and then I woke up in the dungeon and picked the lock on my cell and looked around and realized I don't look anything like what I used to because I have boobs and black hair but mine is really brown. And my eyes sparkle," Ribena finished.

"Yes, I believe you. Forgive my earlier rudeness. There seem to be many strange women such as yourself suddenly appearing from nowhere. They have strange names and are oddly perfect and alluring."

Arthur shifted in his saddle before continuing.

"Well my strange, beautiful lady, we must be off. There are lands to conquer and people to pull out of dungeons."

"Okay, well, do you guys have a cell phone or something so that I can call my mom and tell her where I am?" Ribena asked sweetly.

"A cell ph-phone?" Arthur asked.

"Never mind, actually, can I just get a ride to the nearest town, er, outpost?"

"You can ride with me," a man with longish dread locked hair piped up.

Ribena took one look and discovered it was none other than Gawain.

"Ooooo, yes please!"

Ribena jumped on to the horse, with her Sueish abilities to ride animals better than anyone else and wrapped her arms around Gawain's waist. The troupe set off and rode for what seemed like hours. Fortunately for Ribena, her Sue powers were getting stronger by the minute, so neither a hair was out of place nor was she in any way tired. They had stopped at a river to water the horses and eat a bit before continuing on. Ribena walked down to the river to wash her face and get a drink. She was enjoying her reflection in the water, "I look at bit like Charlize Theron actually," she mused to herself, when a hand clamped around her mouth. The hand was attached to a body, which dragged her behind a clump of trees.

"What the, what are you doing, missy? I was this close to getting it on with Gawain," Ribena hissed.

"Ribena, it's me, Sally," Sally hissed back.

"Sally! What are you doing here? Hey, we're in Camelot!" Ribena said excitedly, causing two exclamation points to become necessary.

"I don't know but something weird is going on. I was bashing writers on and then I felt something tickling my toes and then I landed on a hill and here I am. At the river."

"What are we doing here then?" Ribena asked. "We don't have any magical powers. Except, may I say your hair is looking especially Lindsey Lohanish?"

"Thanks, I think. You kind of look like Charlize. I didn't recognize you at first," Sally said.

"I know, right? Wait, that was way too Mean Girls," Ribena said disgustedly. "Okay, let's stop with the pop culture references and figure out what to do."

"Yeah. I think we have to figure out a way to save Camelot or something," Sally said. "But I don't know how to do that so…"

"I think it's best of we don't use our Sue powers. I'm already sort of slipping into a dark place," Ribena said.

"Yes, wise very are you," Sally said. "Oh god, I think there must be another force at work here. I'm starting to sound like that creepy gremlin thing, whatshisname, Yoda."

"Gross."


	3. Free Readins

True Life: I'm a Mary Sue

By Fiji Mermaid

Disclaimer: If you can't be bothered to review, then you best not be trying to sue. iPods are property of Apple. All recognizable characters do not belong to me and are the property of their respective creators.

Chapter 3: Free Readins

Sally and Ribena gazed at themselves in the river for what seemed like five months. They eventually managed to tear themselves away from their beautiful, fake selves and figure out a plan of action. Unfortunately, this plan involved a lot of walking and anyone who's ever tried to walk in medieval clothes would know the amount of aggravation it causes.

Thus, it was not surprising that Ribena started getting really crabby. One, because of her dress and two, because she hadn't been able to read a romance novel in a really long time.

"Sally, I'm starting to get really crabby because I haven't been able to read a romance novel in a really long time," Ribena snapped.

"Oh, well, that's okay because just think of this place as all your romance novels come true. And ignore the fact that medieval clothes, while romantic in theory, are actually a pain in the ass in practice," Sally said soothingly.

"Ok," replied Ribena and continued skipping and whistling away as she ran through a nearby field of wildflowers, completely ignorant of the sign that said, "Caution: you are now entering the Field of Demon Flowers. Enter at your own risk."

Sally had never told Ribena that she hated whistling. Absolutely detested it, in fact. She followed Ribena, as her mood got considerably more grumpy because of the fact that all the sunflowers, (and they were huge effing sunflowers because this is a fantasy world and that's the rule), were smacking her in the face. She also really hated big flowers.

They made it out of the Field of Demon Flowers. Actually, Ribena pranced gracefully out of the field while Sally stumbled her way out and got tangled up in the flowers at the edge.

They can sense hatred, you know.

They found themselves at the top of a steep hill, looking down over a beautiful green valley with a quaint village in the center that was glowing in the sunset. Ribena sighed and said, "What a cliché. I'm surprised there aren't cows with bells and men in lederhosen blowing out of long horns at the top."

At that moment, a cowbell jingled from below them and Sally was blasted out of the flowers into Ribena by the bellowing of a very large horn. Being blown by men in striped lederhosen. Drinking Swiss miss cocoa.

"I spoke too soon. This is a horrible cliché."

Indeed, it was a horrible cliché. For right next to Sally and Ribena stood a sign that said, "Warning: horrible cliché crossing for the next five miles. Enter at your own risk." And a little sign below it said, "Isn't that such a clichéd sign? It couldn't be anymore cliché if it tried?" with a sign below that said, "I do not think that cliché means what you think it means." With a sign below that which said, " Stop reading these effing signs. You're buying into the cliché of signs having signs underneath signs that say stuff to keep you reading."

"For the love of God, Sally. Stop reading those signs," Ribena wailed.

Sally managed to tear her eyes away from the signs and walked over to join Ribena.

"I wonder what we'll find down there," she said out loud.

storybreakstorybreakstorybreakstoryebreakstorybreakstorybreak

"We really should tell Sally and Ribena what's going on," said MSP One.

"I agree," said Two.

"How shall we tell them?" asked One.

"Well, they are in the Land of Cliché. Why not just yell it out from the skies?"

"Or we could have a talking rabbit."

"What about an old beggar woman stumbling across their path?"

"Perhaps they could read it in a book they find in the village library?"

"Or a psychic could tell them by reading their palms?"

"Okay, on two: rock, paper, scissors."

"Blasphemies, paper covers rock. Okay, we go with your suggestion," Two muttered.

"Yesssss!" One exclaimed.

backtomaincharactersbacktomaincharactersbacktomaincharacters

Sally and Ribena were contemplating whether or not they should go to the library for free coffee and donut holes when Ribena noticed a sign on the library door.

"For a free psychic reading, go to the Muffin Man at 123 Mulberry Lane."

Sally and Ribena waited nervously outside of 123 Mulberry Lane, once again contemplating whether or not they should go in. They were saved that decision when the door flew open and loud Jamaican music filled the room.

"Welcome to Miss Cleo's," a Jamaican woman exclaimed from behind her desk. "I will tell you all of your deepest desires and charge you an exorbitant amount for telling you things that anyone would know just by looking at you!"

"But the sign said it was free. And I want some muffins," Sally said.

"Come, darlin. Sit right here for yar free reading," Miss Cleo said ignoring Sally and gesturing to Ribena, patting the seat in front of her table.

"Aw snap! This is where they sent Miss Cleo after she was declared a fraud," Sally said smugly to Ribena.

"Shhh," Ribena hissed. "I want to know my future." Ribena bounded forward with a glazed look in her eye, jumping into the chair in front of Miss Cleo before Sally could stop the horror from happening.

Sally rolled her eyes and decided to join Ribena, figuring their MS Powers™ would help them if they got in trouble and had to run for it.

"Now darlin, give me your first name," Miss Cleo said to Ribena.

"I'm Ribena Lake. I'm five feet ten with long brown hair and I like Gawain and popcorn," Ribena said jumping up and down excitedly in her seat.

"Okay dear. I'm seeing great things for you," Miss Cleo said closing her eyes.

Rachel let out a squeal of excitement and Sally resisted the urge to smack her upside the head.

"I see a tall, dark handsome man who's in love with you. Yar going to have three children, two girls and one boy and you're going to be vary rich and won't have to lift a finger. "

Sally snorted and Miss Cleo snapped her head towards Sally.

"Now let's see your future, my darlin'. Ahhhh, yer a Libra aren't ya darlin," Miss Cleo said triumphantly.

"No, I'm a Gemin-" Sally interjected but Miss Cleo was having none of it.

"Dat's da baby's daddy. Is he incarcerated?"

"No, he's, what? No, I'm single," Sally explained in vain.

Miss Cleo continued, shaking her head sadly, "I'm afraid you're going to be stuck in an insurance claims office for the rest of your life. You'll spend all the rest of your days alone and lonely, hoping they'll discover your body before it's eaten by all fifteen of your cats. Once they've eaten your stock of frozen pizza of course," Miss Cleo added as an afterthought.

"This is absolute rubbish," Sally snapped. "I'm not going to be an insurance claimer and I will not have fifteen cats, only five. And I will be very happy all alone up in my crazy lady tower throwing rocks at children who try and pick flowers from my garden. And I''m a Gemini you big fake!" Sally yelled triumphantly.

Miss Cleo glared at Sally and then went into a mysterious trance.

"Your mission is to destroy the holes. You must not let the power overtake you. Only you can prevent forest fires. The tool you need can be found on the highest tree in the darkest forest, in the darkest cave, in the darkest box in the- ahem."

"Darlin, could you move over a bit? No, no, to the left. I can't see the teleprompter. There you go,' Miss Cleo cleared her throat before continuing.

"And in the dark, dark forest, in the dark, dark cave, in the dark, dark box, there is a dark, dark weapon that can only be used once and for only one purpose."

"And do you know what that purpose is?" Sally snapped.

"Fine, read it yourself. I'm off to make some jerk chicken." Miss Cleo flounced out of the room and through the door to her kitchen.

"Now you've done it Sally. Way to be a cynical cow and go ruin everything. Now we're never going to get back home and out of these bodies," Ribena huffed.

Sally ignored the annoying buzz in her ear and took to reading the teleprompter out loud.

"If you do not accomplish this mission, no one will," she read. "Oh for the love of marshmallows, what is this mission, quest-"

"Thang," Ribena finished.

MSP One and Two stepped from behind the screen.

"I told you this was a really stupid idea," Two snapped.

"You're just a bad loser," One said sniffing.

"Uh, hello?" Ribena said impatiently.

"Oh, right. So your mission quest thang (MQT) is to hunt down all the Mary Sues in "Harry's Camelot Labirynth-upon-Rivendell"

and kill them. Have a nice day," One said and tried to run out the door and was held back by Two who gave One a mighty glare.

"Oh, alright I'll finish," One humphed. "Soooo, the weapon in the dark, dark box is actually a magic iPod that emits powerful rays of Reality, which the Mary Sues can't handle and they basically melt down to a silvery glue and then you wait for the puddle to dry and peel it off. Et, voila! No more Mary Sue," One beamed.

Crickets were heard chirping outside the door. Ribena and Sally just stared for a good, oh to minutes.

"What happens to us though? I mean, we're basically Mary Sue's ourselves," Ribena said.

"Well, you possess the powers of Logic and Reasoning and Reality, unlike the rest of the Mary Sue's, so you should be fine. Mmmkay?" Two said uncomfortably and then grabbed One before Sally or Ribena could make more sense and vanished.

"I guess we're going to have to find this iPod and hope it's been charged," Ribena said.

"Yeah, I guess so. C'mon, we'd better get going," Sally sighed. They stepped outside and gasped at their surroundings.

It seemed that not only were they in Camelot, they were also simultaneously in Harry Potter's world as well as Lord of the Rings. And any other fandom they had ever dreamed about. (That includes _The Labyrinth_, btw.) Thus the name, "Harry's Camelot Labirynth-upon-Rivendell."

"Oh, that's only for Ribena, not me," Sally said ferociously to her readers. "She can have David Bowie in his tight leather pants all she wants because there is no way I am even going to touch that one. Gosh."

Sally received a hurt stare from Ribena at this one but ignored it as she reminded herself that no one knew about her secret crush on Draco _and_ Lucius Malfoy. Well, now the readers did but Ribena didn't. Sally stopped mumbling to herself and continued with the horrified gasping about the horrible situation they were in.

"We are in a very horrible situation," Ribena said, stating the obvious.

"Yes. Yes, we are," Sally replied.

Next chapter: "Camp Happy Clappy!"


	4. Happy Clappy Campers

True Life: I'm a Mary Sue

By Fiji Mermaid

It's been four --or is it five? years in the making. Either way, my sincerest apologies for my tardiness. I want you to know I own nothing but the storyline and the crappy rapping.

Without further ado I present to you:

Chapter 4: Happy Clappy Campers!

"What kind of skills do we have in our arsenal at this moment in time that would help us in our journey MQT to find the iPods O'Doom and defeat the Mary Sues?" Ribena asked as they began walked down Mulberry Lane.

"Let's see. I have some sick hip-hop skills. I can make pistachio encrusted goat cheese medallions and oh, I love to clean! Sally said brightly. "How about you, Ribena?"

"I can eat a bag of popcorn in 2 minutes, I now possess T _and _A and I know all of the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."

"Well, then. I guess we're screwed. Unless we can find somewhere to hone our non-existent combat skills?"

Sally presented the question to the Universe and the Universe definitely provided at the end of the road.

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

The duo proceeded down Mulberry Lane until it ended abruptly in front of a pair of majestic oak trees with a banner strung between them. It read, "'Camp Happy Clappy!'" "What the hell?" Ribena exclaimed. Sally shrugged and started to get the feeling that there might be arts and crafts, camp fire sing-alongs and god forbid, camp plays and in her future.

They turned to a line of beautiful women standing if front of a able waiting patiently to sign up for…something.

"What's Camp Happy Clappy?" Ribena asked.

"OMG! It's like, the kewlest camp around," a raven-haired beauty with unnaturally blue eyes said a little too enthusiastically.

"So, like, what kind of camp is it?" Sally asked.

"It's for ridiculously beautiful and talented women like us. The camp teaches all sorts of skills required of Mary Sues including 'the art of combat on your lunch breaks', 'make-up application in the forest' and who can forget the ever important 'learning a language you've never even heard of in a chapter!" the Arwen doppelganger explained.

"Yeah, who could forget that?" Ribena muttered. Sally elbowed Ribena in the ribs and asked "Where do we like, sign up?" with fake enthusiasm.

"Well, you can get in line right behind me!" Arwannbe squealed. "It's going to be seww much funnn!!!"

"Kill me now," Ribena grumbled under her breath.

"Ribennnaaaaa, we might get some useful information here," Sally scolded her.

"Pffft."

"Hi everyone," a boppy, bouncy, brown haired woman yelled enthusiastically. "I'm Marsha Sue, the director of Camp Happy Clappy. Ladies gather round." She waited patiently with a beaming smile until the campers quieted down.

"Here at Camp Happy Clappy we pride ourselves on being the sexist smartest, most beautiful, coolest, fantastic women we can be. In order to win the hearts and minds of those who would harm us and those we want to be naughty with, it is important that we are highly trained in various areas. At Camp Happy Clappy we offer the best training in combat skills and foreign language, highly specialized lessons in how to be a sexpot and who can forget, spying on the enemy to help your man! I have to warn you not to flirt with the instructors, no matter how hard it, or they, are. The men are here to help you learn, not practice your feminine wiles on." Marsha giggled and winked at the campers.

"Sooooo, does that mean we should?" Sallly asked Ribena.

"It depends how hot they are," Ribena replied. An Elizabeth Turner look alike shushed them. Sally and Ribena rolled their eyes in unison.

"We just added a new course that offers hellcat/wildcat/hellion/spitfire lessons and we are so excited to begin the first lesson tomorrow! First off, we're going to get everyone settled in the cabins and then it's off to the ropes course!"

"Ummm, I'm afraid of heights," Sally informed Ribena.

"I'm afraid of Marsh Sue's beaming smile," Ribena replied. "We all have our obstacles. Or obstacle courses."

"Punny."

"I know."

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

"Sally, take a god damned step," Ribena yelled up to her partner.

"Ohhhh, that's so easy for you to say. You're standing on the ground 100 feet below me," Sally snapped.

"More like 20 feet. Quit being a baby and walk across the bridge."

"This is not a bridge. It is a piece of yarn held together by even more fragile pieces of string."

"It happens to be plastic yarn that can withstand over 500 pounds of force so unless you gained 380 pounds in the last five minuets, I think you're going to be okay," Ribena said, completely exasperated.

Needless to say, the ropes course was not going well for the two Sues. Sally was experiencing severe vertigo while Ribena was facing severe annoyance and impatience. All of the other partners had finished and were partying it up in the dining hall. Ribena had already taken her turn and set a course record with her time of five minutes and three point two seconds. Sally was nearing the forty-five minute mark. All she needed to do was cross the rope bridge, attach her self to the zip line and fly down the mountain. Ribena was ready to leave Sally literally in the dark when Sally closed her eyes, took a deep breath and sprinted across the bridge. She unhooked her karabiner, attached herself to the zip cord and "yee-hawed" all the way to the dining hall.

Ribena grumbled her way down the mountain path to the brightly lit cafeteria ready to eat her weight in sour cream, cheddar and macaroni salad, that orange-juice stuff from McDonald''s and brownies with an inch of frosting.

Ah, the joys of camp food.

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

"I think this is hell," Ribena whispered furiously to Sally. "I told you this was a bad idea."

"Shhh, I'm learning how to change my eye color with song," Sally hissed back.

Ribena rolled her eyes.

"I saw that."

"Nu-uh. You did not."

"You rolled your eyes at me."

"There was a bug, a breeze and speck of dirt."

"I see the poetry lesson rubbed off on you."

"I hate you."

"I'm rubber. You're glue."

"Whatever."

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Later that week…**

Sally and Ribena were taking a refresher course on the Arthurian legends. Happily, this course required one-on-one training with the knights.

"Okay, that's enough archery for the moment," Lancelot said, narrowly ducking an arrow hat had come from Are-wannabe's direction. She just smiled sweetly and tossed her hair, momentarily stopping Lancelot's train of thought. He sent a glare in her direction and continued.

"We're going to move into the field fighting and sword handling portion of today. Everyone grab a partner and come pick a weapon of your choosing.

Sally paired herself with Ribena, her trusty PIC (Partner in Crime) and they went to get their swords,

"Ummm, this is kind of heavy," Ribena said.

"Ribena, what are you doing," Sally asked impatiently. She was trying to get as close to Lancelot as possible so she could impress him with her surely stunning sword skills. So what if she'd never picked up a real sword in her life?

"Well, I tried to pick up my sword and it's heavy," Ribena said as defensively as she could from her position in the mud.

Sally rolled her eyes and went to pick up her sword.

"Yeah, I see what you mean," Sally said, wondering how she had managed to flip herself over and land on the only tree stump in the muddy practice yard.

"Okay ladies, that's enough fooling around. Pick up your swords and practice the proper thrusts we taught you," Gawain snapped.

"Gawain said 'thrust.' I almost had an orgasm," Rachel sighed.

"Me too. I'm not even a Gawain Groper in real life. Weird," Sally replied.

She picked up her sword and managed to get it to knee level. Ribena did the same but added an overzealous grunt.

"Hmmmm, sound effects seem to help," Ribena said to a rather disturbed Sally.

Sally shrugged and they began swinging their swords at each other, sounding like wild boars in the woods. Well, they tried to get near each other but they could barely hold the sword, much less direct it. After several minutes of them looking like fools and trimming the trees, they decided to take a break and watch everyone else.

A set of white-blonde haired twins was somewhat able to grasp the concept that they should be hitting each other's swords, not each other.

Many groans were heard from a group of girls with light brown hair and stunningly green eyes. Lancelot had decided to make them his protégés; therefore, they each had two swords to contend with.

Dagonet was watching everyone in his silent, brooding, yet hot, (for some people at least) way. Tristan was making sure to keep himself out of everyone's way, lest he lose an eye or something far more precious. Arthur was bopping around gleefully encouraging the Sues to knock each other out "really hard" so they would understand what real combat feels like.

Sally turned to make a sarcastic remark to Ribena when she realized Ribena had wandered over to Gawain. Ribena had managed to rope Gawain into teaching her how to do specific thrusts. He didn't seem to get the innuendo of the "thrust" and the more he said it, the redder and gigglier Ribena got. She was on the verge of a tackle that would make a rugby player weep with pride, when Marsha Sue, the camp director, blew her whistle right in Sally's ear.

"Okay campers!! You've worked hard enough for today. Let's all head down to the river for some canoeing and voyageur chanteys!!!"

The other Sues in the King Arthur group yelled various arrangements on "Yay!" while Sally and Ribena looked at each other in dismay.

"We almost turned into Gawain fan girls. How could we let this happen? Maybe we've been too harsh on the Mary Sues," Ribena said mournfully.

"I think this camp is too harsh on me," Sally said as she rubbed her arms. "This is definitely not like any of the stories I've ever read."

"Amen to that. As much as I love wearing a Viking hat with horns and fake braids, let's try and avoid the canoe area. My sitting area is not in the mood to sit on hard wooden benches for the next two hours," Ribena said.

"Agreed. Let's go take a nap in our cabin," Sally said. And with that, the Sues slunk over to their bunks, careful to avoid the watchful eyes of various Sues and instructors.

"Are we done yet?"

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

Sally and Ribena huffed and puffed their ways through their Hellcat Spitfire course. Sally decided she was totally a "hellcat" while Ribena decided she like the alphabetical idea of saying she was "Ribena Spitfire" something or other starting with a "T."

A Gimli look-alike, maybe it really was him, along with a Legolas and an Aragorn were putting the Mary Sues to the test. All the Sues had to do to pass the test and earn their adjectives was fight a troll and a giant with only a piece of floss and their newly learned karate skills. Then, the Sue had to talk her way out of a tight situation using her shiny language skills, gaining bonus points for humor and making the opponent laugh and even more bonus points if their opponent tried to kiss them. Sally and Ribena had already passed these tests with flying colors, so it was only left to the final task.

The last task a Sue had to do to graduate from Camp Happy Clappy and earn her respective moniker was to fight the very thing they were trying to become. Ribena had learn to spit fire, as that is how one fights fire in the Mary Sue Universe. Sally had the very unhappy task of going up against an actual Hellcat named Bob. (A hellcat is a mix of a prosecuting attorney's ferocity, a cougar and a jaguar with some lemur slinkiness thrown in for good measure, along with the added bonus of extra large and dramatic eyes.)

Ribena was up first. She walked into the circle drawn with white chalk in the dirt. The circle was surrounded by other campers in what can only be described as Warrior Sue gear aka bikinis and other skimpy, floaty garments with painted faces. It was like a conquering colonial white guy at war with Africa movie gone wrong. Oh, so wrong. There was a roaring, hair singeing-ly hot bonfire in the middle that Ribena needed to somehow conquer.

She could not for all the tea in China figure out what the hell she was supposed to do. The crowd offered no clues and the deep drumbeats were starting to freak her out.

"How does one conquer fire with spitfire? What is spitfire, really? Do fires spit? I mean, they do snap crackle and pop and once in a while a stray spark jumps put and lands on your butt and then you shriek and giggle and get it off ASAP. Spitfire, spitfire, spitfire…"

"By Jove I've got it!!! I need to spit hot fire," Ribena yelled at the crowd.

Seeing blank faces she continued, "I can't spit real fire; I'm not a dragon. So I need to spit words. I need to rap the fire into submission."

Sally choked on her margarita and said, "Excuse me? Ribena, you are not exactly known for your hardcore rhyming skills."

"Sally, I am practically a Mary Sue. All I have to do is conjure up my rhyming couplet skills and join them with my DJ Doobyscoo skills and I have the nickname in the bag!" Ribena said excitedly.

Sally gave her friend a wan smile and said a silent prayer to the gods above that Ribena would not come up with something like a Dr. Seuss poem. Fox and his socks would not rock anyone off their box. Sally finished her plea and turned her attention to Ribena.

Ribena had conjured a gold bedazzled microphone out of…somewhere along with a kerchief around her head topped by a sideways, unbent trucker cap that said, "…" She was also wearing sweatpants with the legs rolled up, hiked up basketball socks, a fierce pair of Pumas, a krunk cup on a necklace and various other pieces of 'bling'.

She began:

"All you sucker MC's aint got nothing on me.

I'm Ribena Ruh Roh

So you betta uh oh

I'ma get you

And your pretty dog too

Just watch me

Take notes

You gonna wanna remember what I quote

Cuz'

You can't touch me

I'm supersonic

I'm hotter than a hooked on telephonic."

Ribena continued to rap and a strange thing started happening. Blue sparks were well, spitting, for lack of a better adverb, out of the microphone in her hand. The bonfire in the middle of the circle was starting to waver and slowly starting to shrink away from the ring of stones at its edge.

Ribena ended her rap with:

"So take care y'all,

I ain't repeating this.

You can make sure,

I already beat this.

What."

Ribena ended in an old skool crossed arms, defiant look over the shoulder, b-boy pose and glared at the fire. It seemed to go stronger for a moment before "BAM!" the fire flared and briefly and brilliantly then vanished, leaving naught but a whorl of smoke.

The camp burst into applause and started cheering and whooping and descended upon Ribena. Sally refrained from celebrating hoping there would be time for that after her hellish hellcat fight. She tossed back the rest of her Hurricane and composed herself.

"You are a wild cat. You are fierce. You show your pray no mercy. You are going to own that little puddy tat," Sally told herself.

The crowd had calmed down and took their places around the circle of stones. A Lancelot and an Arthur brought in the cage that held the spitting nails mad hellcat Bob Sally was about to face. The Lancelot and Arthur lifted up the screen door in unison and scurried away quickly before they felt the wrath of Bob.

Bob looked at Sally lazily and licked her paw, making sure to show off her shiny claws. Sally gulped when she saw that Bob's claws were the length of the fingers on her hand.

"Fuckshitpiss," Sally said under her breath. She needed to think fast. What could she do better than a cat? There was no way she could defeat Bob with her bare hands. She was going to have to dazzle the hellcat.

"Dazzle. Be-dazzle. Be good. Be breakfast. No! Wait. Not be breakfast," Sally muttered out loud. "Be…better. Be…BOY! I'm going to beat you into submission! In a dance battle!" Sally exclaimed.

Bob sent her a withering cat glare and stretched herself out. She arched her back and puffed out her tail and made sure Sally could see exactly how big Bob was. Sally hesitate for a moment and felt a bead of sweat run down the small of her back but there was no going back. Sally was going to have to break-battle for her life. Literally.

"Ribena. Cue the song," Sally said.

"What song?" Ribena asked.

"The Song," Sally hissed.

"Oh, right. The Soooong," Ribena said sarcastically. "Seriously though, which one?"

"_Ante up_," Sally replied.

"Oh shit, son. You are throwing down the gauntlet," Ribena said in surprise.

"You bet your Ascot I am," Sally said with more confidence than she felt.

Ribena cued the song into their iPod. (Not the same as the iPod's O'Doom. This was a regular, non-evil fighting, music playing, iPod.)

Sally danced her heart out. She six-stepped and she three-stepped and she CC'd and she monkeyed. She krumped and she locked. She popped and she top-rocked. She Tutted and waved. She did the Robot and the Boogaloo.

The beat thumped and sizzled.

Sally laid it on the dirt dance floor and when the music stopped, the crowd was silent. They all looked nervously at Bob, who hadn't so much as twitched her tail. Sally was about to run when Bob curled her tail around her.

"You," Bob said, "you are the only Sue who has ever tried an unconventional means of battle. For this, I commend you. Please take your rocking skills into the world and defeat the evil."

"You can talk," Sally and Ribena exclaimed at the same time.

"Of course I can talk. I'm a hellcat, not a housecat," Bob said with a cat grin. She fixed her golden eyes on the two Sues. "Only you can save fan fiction. And polar bears," Bob added as an afterthought.

"Thank you, Bob," Sally said.

"Yeah, sure. If you will excuse me, I need a cocktail after being around all of these enthusiastic people," Bob said. She got up gracefully and meandered along her way.

"Wow, Bob's cool," Sally said.

"Yeah she is. I wonder if—" Ribena's statement was cut off when the two Sues were crushed in a crowd of Sues an instructors.

"You did it!" campers exclaimed and hugged and shrieked and generally carried on. Sally and Ribena decided to soak in their moment of triumph. And Sally could have sworn that the Aragorn had pinched her butt. Awesome.

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

"Congratulations, Sally 'Slap my legs and call me grandpa' Hellcat and Ribena 'Ruh Roh Doobyscoo!' Spitfire. You have successfully completed the Moniker Course and may now graduate from Camp Happy Clappy. You are free to go forth in this world or any other and spread joy and sexiness with your Mary Sue skills."

She handed the girls their diplomas and gave them cheerful hugs.

"Many 'Happy Clappy' returns!"

Sally and Ribena thanked her, waved goodbye to the other campers and walked as quickly as possible away from the camp.

"I'd like to 'Happy Clappy Slappy' three-fourths of the people at that camp," Sally mumbled. "I mean seriously. Making awesome women like us fight wild animals. Just ain't right."

"Look at it this way. We now have the skills and means to find the iPods and defeat the Many Sues," Ribena said as they hightailed it down the Main Street.

"Look at it this way. We now have the means to barter for a better price on our travel supplies," Sally replied.

"Look at it this way. We now have the means to order alcohol in fifteen languages," Ribena countered.

"I like the way you haggle," Sally said.

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Next chapter: The first task. Or is it the first battle?**

Also, a staggering, in both senses of the word, appearance by Jack, excuse me, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.


End file.
